we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
