No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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