I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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