Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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