she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
