Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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