My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
