I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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