If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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