I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
