A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
