What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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