thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
