I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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