He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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