Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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