He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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