It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
