Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
