theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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