Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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