my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
