Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
