Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
