did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
