My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
