my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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