Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
