yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
