I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
