The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
