Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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