He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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