Sry I called you an 8
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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