FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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