I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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