My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize