my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
