I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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