How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
