That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
