Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
