oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
