I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
