I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
