I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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