I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
