Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
why is half of my head shaved?
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