does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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