dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
