And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
