Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What a dumb baby whore.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
