I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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