Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize