Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
