The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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