Sry I called you an 8
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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