party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
